The Da Vinci Code 83-84: In Which The Butler Does It

Previously on The Da Vinci Code, I found myself typing the words ‘glistening, meat-coloured rectal cavity’ while writing a horrifying number of words about another chapter in which our heroes did nothing but sit around in a car spewing lies at each other, just like they did back in Paris when this book began. There was also some knee-touching and Bob experienced a flicker of attraction towards Sophie, then promptly tuned out everything she was saying to him in order to go off into one of those weird fugue states he disappears into whenever there are landmarks to infodump about. They then had a brief and incredibly shallow conversation about the nature of faith, during which Teabag conveniently disappeared into another compartment of the awfully convenient limo that he turned out to have when they needed to escape in a limo.

I love the clumsy way Dan Brown excludes other characters from conversations in this book, by the way. Whenever Sophie and Bob need a moment alone to talk about God or her grandfather’s swingers’ parties, Teabag disappears into some other part of the car or plane or whereever.

That was chapter eighty-two. It was terrible. Let’s see if chapter eighty-three does any better. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 83-84: In Which The Butler Does It”


The Da Vinci Code 82: How To Goatse A Plot Hole

Please excuse the lack of post last week, but I had to go to London last weekend and ended up frazzled and totally burnt out from the experience. Somehow the city is twice as overwhelming after moving to a place where most of my neighbours are literally sheep.

Also, The Da Vinci Code keeps getting more boring as it reels towards the end. Not sure how that happens, because at this point the book is supposed to be working up to the thrilling climax, but it’s just…not. The last time I tried to write anything about it I got sidetracked and somehow slid down a wikihole about St. James’s Park, where I discovered that the pelicans there occasionally indulge in gnarly shit like devouring live pigeons. There’s video and everything. It’s very disturbing.

Anyway, where were we? Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 82: How To Goatse A Plot Hole”

The Da Vinci Code 79-81: Collet Finds The Clitoris

Last time on The Da Vinci Code, our heroes finally opened the cryptex – that they’d been titting around with for over thirty chapters – and found that it contained…wait for it…another cryptex.

This revelation was followed by a certain amount of screaming, mostly mine and mostly of the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? variety. There was also another dumb poem written on a piece of vellum wrapped around the mini-mcguffin, which seems to conveniently suggest that Bob and friends are heading for the place where they will find the next clue – London. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 79-81: Collet Finds The Clitoris”

The Da Vinci Code 75-78: Endless Screaming

Previously on The Da Vinci Code, Langdon finally persuaded Sophie to give up the true horror of the Awful Unspecified Thing she’d caught her grandfather doing circa 1994, and it turns out that it wasn’t the Macarena.

No, it wasn’t that bad. He was just having consenting – if exhibitionist – vanilla sex with a masked woman who Sophie thought was surely too fat for that kind of thing.

It’s safe to say that Sophie Neveu is probably not much of a freak in the sheets.

She’s also kind of an asshole.

Anyway… Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 75-78: Endless Screaming”

The Da Vinci Code 74: The Awful Unspecified Thing

It’s time, people. We’re finally here. We’re about to learn the truth about the Awful, Unspecified Thing, a tale of sex, lies and people who probably think a postcoital white bread and mayonnaise sandwich is the apex of Neronian depravity.

Warning: contains long passages of Robert Langdon talking about sex. Careless consumption of this post may cause loss of libido, penile retraction and the kind of vaginal dryness usually encountered in people who have been mummified since the Eighteenth Dynasty. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 74: The Awful Unspecified Thing”

The Da Vinci Code 71-73: More Annoying Scavenger Hunt Clues

Previously on The Da Vinci Code, our numbskull heroes jumped on a plane to Britain and flew about for a bit. While they were doing that, Teabag hinted strongly that he wanted Sophie to give him the cryptex, because they are still clutching that thing and no closer to solving what it’s about.

I must admit, I’m quite tired. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 71-73: More Annoying Scavenger Hunt Clues”

The Da Vinci Code 68-70: An Underwhelming Sixty Nine

Last time on The Da Vinci Code, the promised chaos at the Chateau Villette proved disappointing when our heroes easily escaped in a Range Rover with Silas duct-taped in the back. And it also transpires that Teabag owns a fucking plane, ostensibly for the purposes of plot furtherance. Also they’re still fiddling with that cryptex thing and Bob has just had an ‘incredible notion’.

And you know by now what Bob’s incredible notions are like. This is probably going to be five more three page chapters full of weedlord meditations on hidden symbolism in Disney movies. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 68-70: An Underwhelming Sixty Nine”