The Da Vinci Code 71-73: More Annoying Scavenger Hunt Clues

Previously on The Da Vinci Code, our numbskull heroes jumped on a plane to Britain and flew about for a bit. While they were doing that, Teabag hinted strongly that he wanted Sophie to give him the cryptex, because they are still clutching that thing and no closer to solving what it’s about.

I must admit, I’m quite tired. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 71-73: More Annoying Scavenger Hunt Clues”

The Da Vinci Code 68-70: An Underwhelming Sixty Nine

Last time on The Da Vinci Code, the promised chaos at the Chateau Villette proved disappointing when our heroes easily escaped in a Range Rover with Silas duct-taped in the back. And it also transpires that Teabag owns a fucking plane, ostensibly for the purposes of plot furtherance. Also they’re still fiddling with that cryptex thing and Bob has just had an ‘incredible notion’.

And you know by now what Bob’s incredible notions are like. This is probably going to be five more three page chapters full of weedlord meditations on hidden symbolism in Disney movies. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 68-70: An Underwhelming Sixty Nine”

The Da Vinci Code 65-67: Cue Yackety Sax

Time to come clean: I’m struggling with the last quarter of this book.

This is due to a lot of things, the main one being that moving house is very expensive. And because it costs a fortune, I’m having to write harder and more often in order to save myself from impending and total financial embarrassment. Obviously trying to bang out 2000 words a day is not conducive to writing at great length about why The Da Vinci Code is a hilariously silly book.

So, for the time being I’m updating only on Mondays.

The other reason why I’m having trouble is because the book is finally lumbering to the supposedly thrilly portion of the whole thriller thing and it’s just…not. I’m somewhere around chapter seventy eight and there’s all these double crosses and twists going on and they’re all about as exciting as a white bread and mayonnaise sandwich.

Also Teabag is still hanging on. God damn him.

But anyway… Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 65-67: Cue Yackety Sax”

The Da Vinci Code 62-64 – This Is The Dawning Of The Age of Aquarius

Previously on The Da Vinci Code, Sophie was subjected to another long and awful mansplanation about Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail, Dan Brown revealed the vast mirrored surface of his enormous brazen testicles when he disparagingly referred to the book he cribbed from in order to write this one, and Bob started talking about hidden symbols in Disney movies in a way that usually means a bong has been passed around the room more than once.

Oh, and Teabag is still in this book. Fuck my life. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 62-64 – This Is The Dawning Of The Age of Aquarius”

The Da Vinci Code 59-61: Nazis On Meth And Other Things More Interesting Than This Book

Excuse my brief holiday from this blog, but the last handful of chapters have been exceptionally painful (I’m looking at you, Teabag) and I needed a break to go off, write books and read things that don’t leave my brain feeling like cold rice pudding. Lately I have been reading The Radium Girls, by Kate Moore, a horrifying and yet strangely heroic story of hardcore industrial poisoning and the desperately sick women who fought their corner in court for workers’ rights. Also did you know that they made radium suppositories back in the day, back before people were aware that it had a half life of 1600 years and would cause your rectum to either fall out or develop into a sarcoma twice the size of your bum.

I also read the fantastic Blitzed, by German journalist Norman Ohler, an extensively researched account of how the top tier of the Third Reich was basically – for the entire duration of the war – ripped to its collective antisemitic tits on staggering quantities of pharmaceutical grade meth.

Except for Goring, that is. He was a morphine man. Oh, and Hitler. He liked coke. And Oxycodone.


Previously on The Da Vinci Code, we waded into a river of bullshit so deep that a single chapter took up a whole blog post. And all of it in the company of the awful, awful Sir Leigh Teabing, an English academic drawn in such cheap, cartoonish strokes that he could have been written by Julian Fellowes. The next chapter opens with Bish Bling, for which I am truly grateful, amen. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 59-61: Nazis On Meth And Other Things More Interesting Than This Book”

The Da Vinci Code 58: Extremely Ron Howard Voice

This is it. This is the chapter I warned you about, a chapter so densely packed with absolute bullshit that it needs a post all to itself. It’s long, it’s messy and it’s heavy on the art and church history, so let’s just get into this. This is…

Chapter Fifty-Eight

By the way, I still hate Leigh Teabing. Leigh can’t just show Sophie the picture of what he claims is the Holy Grail. Oh no. Leigh has to lead them into the ballroom, which he has converted into a ‘study’ by cluttering it with an eclectic array of crap that I think is supposed to make him seem eccentric and charming. Continue reading “The Da Vinci Code 58: Extremely Ron Howard Voice”